Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
