I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
