She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
