just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
