Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
