Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
