Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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