Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
