I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
