just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
