Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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