I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
