Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
