just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
