Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
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Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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