My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
