I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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