trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
