hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
