i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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