I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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