Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
In America we eat man semen.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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