I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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