Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
