Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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