I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
