if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
