Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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