This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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