I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
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It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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