good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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