I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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