I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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