Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
