They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
