lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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