She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
