is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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