i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
