I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
