It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We are all done wearing pants today
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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