I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
