Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
