I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
