mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
