Sry I called you an 8
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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