You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
