so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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