I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
