i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
