I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
