I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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