We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
