I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
