Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
