i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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