I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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