Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
