I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
