A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
