remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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