i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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